Business 03 Feb 2006 10:29 pm
Self Destruction
I know that a lot of you watched Self Destruction, so you saw us get robbed of the titles. Nowadays it seems like I can’t walk down the streets without someone asking me if I used to be in Foghat (the answer is no, but man do I wish I had been!).
Anyway, for anyone that doesn’t know, at the previously mentioned pay-per-view extravaganza, NOGilles and I looked like the sure-shot next champs. I had daringly leapt from the ladder to take out the last little bit of our competition, and the egg N-O-G to the G-O-N all but had his hands on the title straps, when out of nowhere some crazy hillbilly ghost thing jumped the barrier and tazered him. Tazered him, man. That’s nuts. Where’s the security staff? How’d he even get into the arena with a tazer?
Let me try and explain this to anyone out there who doesn’t happen to be a world-famous wrestler who bathes in red wine, eats only the finest cuts of steaks, and pays people to act as footstools. To be that close to winning the titles and losing it like that is like being on trial for murder (or whatever poor people go to trial for), and then just before the jury reads the not guilty verdict, someone tazers you, grabs the decision, and runs off with your not guilty. Now you have to spend the rest of your life in prison, because of some crazy hillbilly. Not fun, is it?
Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about was that egg NOG and I will be bringing a lawsuit against Malik Roland, Statuz Quo and the LoC. But why, you ask? Why is the McRib being phased out forever? I loved that little sandwich. For that, I have no answer. What I can say is that we’re bringing suit against the parties mentioned because of a little fact that I recently learned at the doctor’s office: egg NOG and I where born to wear title belts.
Now, I know that that sounds like something Brian Knobs would say right before he wrestles the Undertaker in the main event at WrestleMania, but it’s totally true. While we were there for a routine check-up, the doctor decided that we should have a full body x-ray done, just because he likes to make money. Anyway, he did, and it turns out that egg NOG and I have a specially designed abdominal area that’s shaped perfectly for wrestling titles. Our doctor told us that he thinks that this extra-specialness is what makes us such powerful draws as champions, which makes sense to us.
So there you go. Hopefully, you’ll support us as we enter this newest phase of our careers, and join the rest of America as proud owners of a baseless lawsuit. Goodnight!