Politics 01 Feb 2006 04:41 pm
State of the Vaguely Defined Concept Town: An Analysis
Free Ice Cream Hour:
I think that everyone out there knows what the LOD’s position on free ice cream is (we think it’s delicious), but Mayor McCheese didn’t sound quite as enthusiastic as we do about this idea. Even though he did say “‘Free Ice Cream Hour’ is a wonderful idea,” he followed up with “but I feel that a window as large as an hour may be too much for our fragile ice cream economy. Therefore, I will push legislation through that will make free ice cream a reality, but at a much more reasonable interval.” I don’t know about you, but if it’s anything less than one solid hour, I’m going to have MiLk throw a dead bull elephant into his pool.
Shaving 1¢ Off of the Sales Tax:
I speak for the entire Legion of Dairy, and our parent company, when I say that this is the most important legislation to be passed in any country in the last four hundred years. You mean I can save one cent on every dollar I spend? Finally! Now I can send Hot Butter to community college like I promised all those years ago!
Repairing Potholes with Cute Kittens:
Fantastic idea. We all agree that there are too many potholes in town, and that Cute Kitten’s Kitchen is way too full. I’m sure some nutjob is going to say that this is “too extreme”, or “a ridiculous idea”, but who cares what they say? Not only can kittens not vote, they can’t buy our merch, so into the potholes they go!
Vaguely Defined Concept Town-Wide Ban on Emo Music and Mall Punk:
Yes. Yes. More Ted Nugent. Less Pete Wentz.
Dairytown’s Crippling Debt:
According to Mayor McCheese, right now Dairytown is operating with a deficit of $27.58. This is shocking news, and has got the mayor trying to push for an economic stimulus package. This includes some stuff that we’ve already covered (hamstringing Free Ice Cream Hour, filling potholes with Cute Kittens), but there are a few other ideas. One was to build a giant, bronze Mayor McCheese statue. I have no idea how that would help the economy. It should totally be a bronze… no, gold statue of the Legion of Dairy wrestling monsters made of boobs. That’ll draw out the tourists. Another idea of his was to go to war, because war always stimulates an economy (that’s something we talk about more next). His last idea was to hire Bob Barker to come and host a Battle of the Bands, and when he shows up, throw him in a potato sack and hold him for ransom.
A Case for War with New Hamburg:
I’m all for this. I’m suck of those high-and-mighty New Hamburgers telling me what to do, and what to listen to, shoving their stupid popular culture down my throat. I mean, look at this typical scene in an average Dairytown mall where a New Hamburger is making fun of people just trying to enjoy the lifeless, generic beauty of Hot Topic. I mean, lookit their mayor! Talk about ugly!
on 21 Feb 2006 at 3:22 am 1.the Blog of Dairy » If at first you don’t succeed… said …
[...] Yeah, so I was giving it some thought today and I think I’m going to try and kill Mayor McCheese. Not because he’s the right hand man of Satan or anything, it’s just because his political views are so far ahead of their time that he must be stopped now before the world as we know it ceases to exsist. Ha, I’m just kidding. I’m all for a revolution, baby. Viva la revolution! [...]